A lot of people I work with struggle with trust. I have too. It’s difficult to know what trust even means when our societies are broken, when the people entrusted with our care (parents, family) are so often isolated and living out their own trauma patterns, or (doctors, religious leaders, school systems) corrupted by power, designed to control rather than care.
The confusion around trust trickles into everything.
“I trusted her and then she didn’t show up for me when I was hurting.”
“I thought I could trust them and then they went back on what they committed to at the protest.”
“I want this, but I don’t know if I can trust myself.”
(paintings by jean smith)
I’ve been doing an exercise called “What can you trust them to do?”
You write down the friend’s name, and then what you can trust them to do rather than can you trust them in a universal way.
So like this:
Jacob: I can trust him to have a good political analysis when I need one. In a crisis he is very reassuring and helps me feel safe, but only for one or two phone calls, not in an ongoing way. I can trust that he’ll get overwhelmed if I need more emotional support.
Nora: I can trust that she almost always will want to talk about emotions and hard things. I can trust that she’ll never sign up for a food train if I’m sick.
Suzy: I can trust that they’ll always be down to hang out last minute and won’t take it personally if I disappear for months on end. Our friendship is strong and fun, but can also go deep. I trust them for spontaneous fun and spontaneous processing. I don’t know if they are a long-term or every-day care person.
Mitch: I can trust to comfort me every day in a way no one else can. I can trust that we always resolve any conflicts. I can trust that they will withdraw in a crisis but that their love is still there.
Raz: I can trust to be totally present and then totally flake. I can trust that they’ll commit to things and then half the time they won’t follow through.
Me: I can trust myself to do what I say I’m going to do, but also to get really manic and take on too much.
etc.
So looking at this trust this way, instead of as an absolute, you can start to lean in where it’s safe to lean in, and be cautious and/or accepting if you want to trust people in ways that are inconsistent to their actual style.
Also: thank you to Wizard_bisan1, Ratzon, JVP
This is such a generous way of thinking about trust, thank you for it!
This is so helpful, I love it 🙏🏻