Love
I’ve been thinking about love, and what we mean when we say the word love, and how I wish we had 100 words for love.
A word to mean I am delighted with you.
A word for that sex we just had was amazing.
A word for I am trying to heal my childhood wounds by reassuring myself that I am worthy of love. Will you reassure me?
A word for I feel a deep physiological pull toward you, my body is telling me to get closer.
A word for I am investing a lot of time and emotions into you—which makes me feel like you are important to my sense of self. This is cathexis but I am going to call it love.
A word for I am saying this to keep the peace.
A word for even though I have been irrevocably harmed by you, part of my heart is still with you, but I will forever keep a safe distance.
A word for I care deeply about you, and feel a secure level of commitment to our friendship.
A word for I see you and want to keep seeing you.
A word for I am at rest with you.
I’ve been thinking about bell hook's revolution inquiry into love, where she was trying to find a definition of love that would help us have health adult loving relationships. “"Love is an act of will," she said, “meaning love is not just a feeling, but a conscious choice and action that requires intention, care, commitment, and responsibility towards another person.”
If we use this definition to guide what we are seeking in our adult friendships and relationships, we’ll be a lot better off than if we are just going by a physiological pull to another person. Because half the time the physiology is just trying to get us to repeat something from the past to try and heal it. Or the pull is something that the body feels as familiarity and home, even when we are struggling to make a new vision of home.
So much confusion comes when we say or hear “love” and we don’t know what we mean by it, or what the other person means.
Take a moment to think about what you mean when you say love. When you say it to your beloveds, your friends, your family, your pets. Maybe write it down. Find clarity and acceptance and grace for yourself. If there are people who say “love” to you who you feel confused about, think about or write about what they mean when they say that word, and then start to hear that when they say it.
Even if we can’t create a culture where there are 100 words for love, we can hold the different meanings in our minds, and start to tease it all apart.