Competent Protector

What to do if you didn't have one

What does it mean to have a competent protector? It is protection from physical harm, definitely, but not just that. Protection is a parent/caregiver who is a steady anchor, who delights in your delight. Not suffocating, not annoyed, but holding space for you to learn and grow by experiencing and trying new things. It is protection from emotional burdens that are age-inappropriate. A child with a competent protector knows the parent/caregiver can take care of themselves. You know that whatever emotions or situations you get into, the parent/caregiver will be able to guide you through it if you need help.It is encouragement. Exploration. Exposure to worlds beyond the household and family. It is clear boundaries and clear expectations. Not putting the child in a double bind. Protection is teaching how to say no and how to say yes. It is helping the child develop a sense of self when in connection with peers. It is so many things.

So many people I work with didn’t have a competent protector, or at least didn’t have one for long. It shows up in so many ways. Fear of people. Social akwardness. Fear of trying new things. Fear of failure. Feeling like they’re not good, never good enough. Hypervigilance. Difficulty going in to new places. Addiction and self-harm. Wanting to get close to others and then wanting to get away. Feeling like other people are sucking the life out of them. Feeling like they exist to take care of others. Difficulty with apologies. Difficulty with compliments. People pleasing. Not knowing what they like.

One thing I love doing, is working to develop an imaginary competent protector. It is bizarrely helpful for so many people (including myself).

(image from aqarian tarot)

What you do is let your mind wander, and try to think of some being that feels like it would have your back. It could be an animal like a bear or a lion, or a beloved pet who you can enhance with magical qualities (anything is possible in the imagination).  It could be a character you read about in a book or saw in a movie. Or an archetypal figure, a warrior, an angel.

Your imaginary competent protector can change and shift until you find something right. It’s good to eventually land on something consistent. Mine was the Greek god Mercury for a while, then it was the no-face from Miyazaki’s Spirited Away. It doesn’t have to make sense. (I know no-face doesn’t make sense). It just has to give you a sense of being not-alone when you call up the image or memory in your mind.

I recommend thinking about the competent protector every night when you’re falling asleep, maybe every morning when you leave the house. Just calling it to mind.

Then whenever you start to feel agitated or scared, or whenever you start to feel yourself shutting down or the negative thoughts about yourself arise. Whatever it is, you imagine your protector standing there with you. You let yourself feel the connection and support. The not-aloneness. The “You’re ok-ness.” The unconditional positive regard.