Attachment styles are getting more attention recently, which is a great thing. People want to understand how the ways they did or didn’t attach to their primary caregivers might effect their present dating and whatnot. If you’re not familiar with it, there is basically 4 styles of attachment, secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. You can pretty much guess what they mean by the names.
Like anything that makes it’s way into pop-psychology, the details get lost in the trend, so I want to ground us in what attachment is, and the importance of relationships on shaping our minds. I’m not a researcher or expert, but this is what I’m learning from a class I’m taking with Dan Siegel at the Mindsight Institute.
The Strange Situation Study
The research on attachment started with a study on children who were 1 year old. They brought the kid and the primary caregiver into a place the child had never been before. Just a room with a bunch of toys. The kid would start playing with toys and then the caregiver would leave for 3 minutes, and they’d see what happened when the caregiver returned. It was a study about reunion behaviors. Whether the kid was upset or how it responded to the caregiver leaving is a whole different thing that turns out is more correlated to temperament (which has more to do with genetics).
It showed what the attachment category was for that particular caregiver.
Kids who had a secure relationship with the caregiver would come to the caregiver when they reentered the room. If they were upset, they would be soothed by the caregiver. Then they would go back to playing with the fun toys.
The message the kid has internally about that particular caregiver is “I can rely on them. They keep me safe. They see me for who I am. I have them inside of me, so I can go explore and then return to the safe haven of their presence.”
Kids with avoidant attachment to that caregiver would not seek connection upon the caregiver’s return. They would just keep playing with the toys. However, on the inside they were feeling a lot of things, as noted by skin monitors that showed the kid’s temperature rising. The message they had internalized was “I am not seen. Emotional connection does not work, therefore it’s safer just to do everything myself.”
Kids with anxious attachment to that caregiver would run to them when they returned, and then cling to them and not let go, but they also showed distress of wanting to return to the toys but not wanting to. The message is “I better get all the connection I can. I risk not receiving care if I do things on my own.”
Kids with disorganized attachment to that caregiver would do all kinds of things. Wail without being able to be comforted. Run towards and then away. Bang their heads against the wall. There was no real pattern to this category. The message was “I am totally overwhelmed in every way. I have to get away from them, but they are my caregiver so I have to go toward them.” It is like fear without a solution. This could be because the caregiver is scary, or it could be the caregiver is often dissociated, altered, or inconsistent.
Adult attachment styles
Adult attachment styles can be affected by all kinds of things. Childhood and primary caregiver attachment styles is just one element.
Having an insecure (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) general style doesn’t necessarily mean anything terrible happened when you were a kid. If you’re trying to figure yourself out, it’s worth exploring childhood for sure to understand what happened there, but attachment trends can also be impacted later in childhood, middle school, and adulthood. There are all kinds of things that affect our brain’s organization around what social interactions mean. Exposure to dehumanizing media, bullying, relational power dynamics, high-control religion, parentification, family alienation to name a few.
As an exercise
Write down the most important relationships you’ve had in your life (try to include both positive and negative and mixed). Think about and write down the main messages you learned from these relationships about yourself and connecting to others. Which of these messages continue to impact you?
Dating
One thing I wonder about a lot is do we end up trying to date people who trigger our primary attachment wounds in order to try to heal them? I so often see people with opposite general attachment styles seek eachother out to date. I know a lot of people think they have no control over who they are attracted to, but I just don’t really believe that’s true. Maybe it’s true about who you’re immediately/instantly attracted to, but I don’t think it’s true about who you could really fall in love with.
I want to encourage people to have more intentionality about their attraction. Do you want to heal your attachment wounds by dating someone who riles them up (no shade if you do)? If so, how are you going to take responsibility and/or communicate effectively about that? Does having your attachment wounds riled up help you feel seen (by yourself or another)? Or is it just retraumatizing?
If you’d prefer not to have difficulty in the attachment realm in your intimate relationships, what are the things that help you to feel relatively secure
?
As an exercise
I like to have people make two lists:
One list of what they want in a relationship (if they are looking for a relationship, romantic or otherwise). This list will probably change over time as you start to hone in on what actually works for you.
Another list of what you want to know about a person before you let yourself attach.
Do you need to know what their arguing style is like? What their texting style is? If their sexuality is compatible with yours? How they relate to their family? What their support system is? Whether you have similar interests in activities or politics? How much they do or don’t like to be alone? Whether they are poly and/or how they deal with jealousy? If they want to live in the town they are in forever, or if they want to move someday? If they want kids? What class background they’re from? Are they able to give the particular kind of reassurance that works best for you?
And then start to orient to these lists. Not that you need to find a person or people who match all the things - but just keeping it all in mind. Bringing intentionality in a somewhat organized way.