Ask a therapist

Answering readers questions: feel free to send me questions and I'll add them to the list.

Question: “I know I’m not alone in this, but the pandemic made my social awkwardness and anxiety so much worse. I’m having a hard time figuring out how to talk to people. Got any advice?”

Like pretty much everything mental health related, words can mean so many things for so many people. I don’t know exactly how social awkwardness and anxiety shows up for you, but I can give some general tips on this.

Everyone wants a sense of belonging. It’s so deeply ingrained in our very cells. Belonging is survival.

I give you this - you belong.

Belonging gets interrupted by medicalized birth, individualistic, traumatized nuclear families, school systems structured for servitude, and societies founded in misogyny, patriarchy, wealth-hoarding, authoritarianism, racism, genocide, eugenics, and all the rest.

Your awkwardness and anxiety are not your fault.

That said, it’s helpful to identify what the fears are that cause the anxiety. Is it a fear of your mind going blank? A fear of being judged? Does your heart rate go up? Do you freeze or start talking rapidly? When is it better? When is it worse? You may already be well aware of whatever the pattern is, but if not, it’s helpful to identify it.

The gentle art of conversation

When we think about conversation as an artform rather than something people are intrinsically “good” or “bad” at, it opens up a lot of possibilities.

One thing that helps is if you do not undermine yourself. You are interesting. You have interests.

As a therapist, if someone asks me what I do, I can say “I’m a therapist,” shrug my shoulders, and leave it at that, waiting to see if they ask more. They’ll probably say something like “That sounds hard.” And if I followed that conversational lead, it would go down the path of how difficult everything is in the whole world.

Or I can say “I’m a therapist, really curious about how the mind and body work together in relation to trauma, and also super interested in parts of the self,” and they might ask what “part of the self” means, or if they have parallel interests, this will guide them into a deeper conversation about the human psyche, or maybe art, or who knows. It could lead anywhere, because I’m leading with what is life-giving and life-affirming, more possibilities open up.

What feels life affirming or interesting to you these days?

What do you like about people? I like people who go on long walks, and people who laugh at dark things, but not too loud. I used to really like people who wanted to talk about their families because I was trying to figure out mine.

I like people who ask me what I’m reading lately, even though I don’t read much these days. I like people who are emotionally honest, but not completely spilling over. I like positive gossip, talking about cool things other people are doing.

If you know what you generally like, you can weave that stuff into conversation and see if it sparks.

Who do you dislike?

One thing that was life-changing for me was giving myself the permission to be judged and disliked! Think of someone you dislike or just don’t want to get to know any better. It has to be someone who is a good person, as far as you know. Maybe your personalities just don’t mix well. Allow yourself to dislike them. Then extend that allowance to the possibility that other people might dislike you and it’s no judgement on your goodness. It doesn’t mean they or you don’t belong.

Lowering your heart rate

You can look back at my “fake joints” post for one trick for decreasing your heart rate. Any kind of deep breathing can work. Another thing I like is to develop a relationship with an inner protector. This is something you do ahead of time, like start now.

Imagine a being that has your back. It could be an imaginary person, an animal, a superhero, or something mythical. Mine was a brown bear for a long time. Then it was the Greek God Hermes. Imagine a being that can stand by you, calmly, but if in danger it would protect you. This imagining might change a few times until you land on something that feels right. Practice, just in you daily life, feeling this being walking with you. What changes in your body when you are connected to this being? Once you have a strong connection, you can imagine this being with you when your heart rate starts to increase, or you start to freeze or get frantic. Let your body feel the connection with the inner protector.

I also like the guided meditations by Belleruth Naparstek. They are unlike any other guided meditations. The PTSD one, for example, has you imagine a guide, and then being led by your guide through a crack in your broken heart and looking around at the shattered remains and the tar pits of shame, etc. It’s amazing. It can help develop a sense of the inner protector if you’re having difficulty finding one.

I have about a million other tips and things I want to get into, but I’ll have to save them for another day, before this turns into an epic ramble.